A short story, as told by blink-182

The universe has this way of making sure you reeeaallly want what you say you want.. because a lot of people talk, and they wish and they project... but what they fail to see is that it’s not until the wheels hit the road that the truth materializes. -Eddie Pinero

The next week I will be on Twitter A LOT! Here I come Iowa.. brb

Update: the flight attendant saw my military ID and has been stuffing mini whiskey bottles down my throat as “appreciation tokens” for my service. Im almost to the point where I wish they were legitimate tokens. I’m drunk and can’t say no to free things.. brb

I’ve saluted to my manager’s manager 4 times today. Idk why 🤦🏼‍♂️ God bless America?

As I get older, I’m realizing stretching is a very important thing. I even stretch before I nap.. I don’t want to throw my back out while sleeping..

“Hi, this is the social security administration.. We need your social security number please.” You’re the social security office, don’t you have it? *click

Digging through my car and I just found my Swiss Army knife. So god damn sad that no one has ever been like, “hurry, it’s an emergency! Does anyone have a tiny scissors?” I would f’n crush that moment :(

My doc- You look like you’re in a lot better shape than the last time I saw you!” Me- **looking at pecks and then biceps** Thank you! My doc- last time I was you, you had a broken collarbone. I was taking about that.

My Army friend in Iowa “They cancelled South O’Brien school for 4 weeks!” -Thats crazy. Better safe than sorry i guess. “Yeah but how am I supposed to recruit these kids into the Army? I need to hit my numbers.” -That’s crazy. Better safe than sorry I guess.

I’m already budgeting what I’m going to do with the money I would have spent at the bars. Might rent a Lamborghini for a week.. and make everyone watch me do burnouts through their house windows.

Alrighty than I guess

Gotta appreciate the honesty! Me(joking)-man, how do you drive around fries all day and not wanna reach in the bag and grab a couple? (Looks down at my fries) Him- Chris, I’m gonna be honest with you. You’re the first one I decided to do that to. It’s been hard. 💙#postmates

I’m moving Halloween day. As kids approach my home I’m going to have them carry boxes from my truck to my doorstep. It’s going to be like an ant line but the lil ants are ninja turtles and Harry Potter characters 😂 My costume is going to be a Queen ant

I’m not sure what I’m more mad about today.. my new home potentially getting caught on fire (should ok for now) or someone hacking my Amazon account and ordering 17 purses 🥴 I think it’s time to have a talk with my ex..

I feel like I’m watching the first season of Designated Survivor..

Great.. helping my sister search things for her wedding and now I have tons of wedding ads. Never felt so alone. 😂

Listening to emo music, reminiscing (and laughing) about when I used to fight my sister in the bathroom over the straightener for my bangs.

This is how it feels right now..

In 1998, Warren Buffett gave a 1-hour masterclass on how to never lose money investing.