Need someone to bring a wailing baby to a play Paul Mescal is in so I can finally write the opinion piece I’ve had banked for years titled “I want to have Paul Mescal’s babies, but I wouldn’t bring them to his shows”

Doctor has a mullet, little hoop earrings and these glasses… dawg I’m going to hospital

Truly had a dream last night where someone said my cheekbones couldn’t have been achieved without filler and I had to admit they are naturally sculpted and my body simply hangs off them. Thank you to my subconscious for realising I needed this immense boost

This sticker someone left on my car in Northbridge… legit excuse me for fucking breathing

Paid $4.50 for one minute of parking last night because I rocked up to the carpark at 5.59pm and free parking kicked in at 6pm

We are so back I fear

I have chosen #GromitMug what will your choice be?

Can’t stand it when a couple has been dating for 5+ years but aren’t engaged. You’re just being lazy now … chop chop get a fucking move on

Had a dream I was married to an Irish tradie with the ugliest tattoos ever and a ripped skinny jeans addiction and we lived in Scarborough

“Sleaze academia” … that’s fucking enough now!

They’re going to make Peter Dutton sell Y2K Esprit on Depop

A broad at the Woolies self serve checkout put a single chilli this big on the scale and when it didn’t scan properly, called a staff member for help. God’s dweebiest and most law abiding soldier

Optometrist said I was a “petite blooming rosebud” with “big beautiful brown eyes”

In such a frazzled state I spread gochujang instead of butter on my toast … do not call … text … leave me be

Having a ball cleaning the house with my jacuum and my jeach

Fred Again hysteria gripped the people of office today….… leaving meetings to sit on their phones….. going for walks to calm down because they couldn’t concentrate until tickets dropped…… he has arrived