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For the love of Tom Dempsey and Morton Anderson! Can't we get a decent kicker?!?!

I really need to lose weight. I just saw an ad that started, "Kills Fat at Night." My first thought was that I was being warned about a serial killer targeting the obese.

"My cat changed my password " is the new "My dog ate my homework."

Mother passed away yesterday. I went to the funeral home today to make arrangements. Mother had pre-paid for everything (casket, flowers, minister, interment, etc.) I feel like it was her last gift of love.

Has anyone else had the experience of seeing a picture of themselves from decades ago and realizing they were really cute even though they didn't feel that way at the time?

Y'all don't know how much I needed this Saints win!!

Watching The Cruise on Amazon Prime. @speedlevitch you rock!!!!

👋 Hey, I’m Luke Mixon, a veteran fighter pilot, Naval Academy & TOPGUN graduate, & Democrat running for Senate against John Kennedy—the only Senator on the ballot who voted to overturn the election. We just hit 50k followers! Can you help us hit 75k with a follow & retweet🔁

👋 I’m running against John Neely Kennedy— the Putin propaganda peddling Senator from Louisiana who celebrated July 4th at the Kremlin and voted to overturn our election on January 6th. Can you give us a hand? Follow our page and retweet to help up us hit 75k followers!

Best thing overheard at the bat. Waitress; "There's a going away party in the back room. We're closing in fifteen minutes and they won't go away."

If I ever go missing, I want my friends to put out a flyer that says, ^Five foot two, eyes of blue, has anybody seen my pal?"

Dieu mercu! Macron!!!

I'm so old that when I was born there were 48 states, 9 planets, and only 2 recognized genders. We have grown and evolved since then!

Do you support me over Donald Trump? Yes Yes Yes 👇 👇 👇

Best thing overheard today. A young man was apparently lamenting his breakup with his lover and said, "He was too straight laced...except on those occasions where he was neither straight nor laced."

To the guy at the bar who left the bathroom door open, I'd like to say two things: One: Lock the door, dude! And Two: Thank you!

Best thing overheard tonight; (French accent):"Sexual liaisons can cause sexual lesions."

Do you think Mitch McConnell now wishes that he'd let Obama appoint Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court?

It's getting close to Halloween. Thought I'd share that i have heard a ghost, seen a cat ghost, been to a Voodoo ceremony, and had an encounter with a self- proclaimed vampire.