The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.

Avril Lavigne, if you Yoko Ono Nickelback I will be so mad at you!!!

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Girl is that ass named 9/11 because I'm secretly behind it

Girl are you the Iraq invasion because this was a mistake

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they'll spell it.

Throwback Thursday? I don’t give a shit about you now; why would I care about you when you were 14?

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever

there probably isnt even a limit to how cool & strong gorillas can be *pauses & holds finger to earpiece* yes thats right. there is no limit

saw a prettier, taller, thinner girl at the bank so I immediately urinated to demonstrate submission

My mom did gluten while she was pregnant with me and I was born with a breadstick for a penis

Any pizza is personal if it killed your father

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Do you ask questions in meetings, therefore prolonging meetings? Look around - people are planning your death.

"[JD Salinger] wrote things without immediately sharing them... I will give you a moment to tweet how strange that is." -Stephen Colbert