(Every morning after a heavy night of drinking & making an ass of myself) Me: I feel pretty guilty about last night Devil on my shoulder: But maybe you’re a hero Me: (proudly) Yeah, I guess I am a hero

After crunching some numbers and running analytics it’s appears i won’t be bathing suit body ready until mid to late june. I’m looking for recommendations for pool shirts, i’m going to fake a skin condition until then. Thank you.

me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener

Apartment complexes love having 95 pictures of the clubhouse. Girl I’m not staying there

Me going back on my friends stories to watch the bit where they posted me again

Hot girl summer is over. It’s time for grand theft autumn

being funny is a burden. being funny and hot???? a nightmare.

I feel like I’m somehow stuck back in that weird time period between Christmas and new year where anything goes

Look how he ate that

I miss Phase 1. No traffic, gas prices low, everybody in the crib, just vibes ✨

I put on my silly little outfit and drink my silly little coffee and do my silly little tasks

3 day weekend: *exists* Americans: