Resorting to helping increasingly younger women cross the street as i chase the thrill of the time i assisted an old lady that actually needed it

Just found out the npr tiny desk is actually really small but they use forced perspective so people aren’t distracted by its size

(Forgetting about doors as a concept) aw hell nah the wall is moving

The number of handshakes i awkwardly fumble has reduced 75% since i started wearing a shirt with a diagram detailing my preferred method of dapping up

Showing my barber a photo that’s been conspicuously cropped to 80x80p

Scratching my head then blowing into my hand to create a cloud of dandruff so dense I use it as a diversion for my escape

I have to keep reapplying a line of honey around my neck to maintain the illusion that I’m wearing a chain made of live ants

When a semi truck is driving without a trailer it’s like, bro, you know you’re naked right now right??? everyone can see you 😳

(Trying to step out of my comfort zone to give a stranger a compliment) you got some white ass teeth my boy

What am I, chopped unc?

once you reach a certain socioeconomic status it becomes acceptable to wear a jacket on your shoulders without putting your arms in the sleeves for some reason

Up and coming rapper named jimmy dean

I had one of these as a kid and I ate the whole thing even though it tasted terrible

I’m kicking it with Anna from Anna’s archive…. no you can’t meet her

They’re making my wife return to office because her zoom meetings kept getting interrupted by the sound of me grunting and blasting diarrhea

Having a baby bc i googled “worlds bounciest ball” and decided I’m probably too old to buy it for myself

DM request from the ethical pervert™️

I’ve been inspired by an OutKast lyric to invent a gyroscopic baseball hat the acts as a compass

my upstairs neighbor drilled a hole in his floor that he uses to dispose of his unwanted liquids

Typa shit I’m watching at full volume in the break room