Now it is Ted Cruz who is poor, persecuted Galileo, and climate scientists are the Church ow.ly/KO3qs

Anyone else disappointed in the lack female republican presidential candidates? I don't know, just seems like a freeby, female republicans.

Dear Fox News since I am most senior writer I should write my own obituary. Will send you 1 revised draft per day until time comes, thnx

Watch Sean Hannity 🇺🇸 bravely report from combat zone of Spring Break #besafe video.foxnews.com/v/413940694100…

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: STUDIES SHOW CLIMATE CHANGE MAKES TURTLES GAY, BUT HUMMINGBIRDS LESS SO bit.ly/1ypcRuv

Climate scientist says natural gas better for environment than coal yet REFUSES TO DRINK IT #hypocrisy bit.ly/1ypcRuv

Did John Hancock plagiarize Ted Cruz? See Vine for evidence: vine.co/v/OVw3w6A7bZh

Replacement for The Daily Show discovered to be sexist and antisemitic WOOHOO!! PARTY IN FOX OFFICE BREAKROOM I WILL BRING CUPCAKES

Sean Hannity is doing a KILLER Trevor Noah impersonation in the Fox breakroom rn, or it could just b sean being sean. Either way very funny!

Satan binge watches HBO's "Girls". He doesn't laugh tho, because it's not even a comical program.

To every woman yesterday: Should have told me April Fools before I lawyered up. Your "pregnancies" cost me 10k

My church's Jesus just backed out on our Easter Crucifix-o-Mania. Please reply if u know white bearded guy who accepts payment in coffee

Catholic protip- any Easter mass after 5 p.m. gets very Mel-Gibsony, very fast.

TimesBookReview #corrections: 1) M Dugard is more of an intern 2) Couldnt Franzen or Roth satirize me? Who r Bowmans? nytimes.com/2015/04/12/boo…

idea for movie: lovably cantankerous pundit framed by media 4 lying about being in combat zone was RIGHT ALL ALONG and dating Karlie Kloss!

Big Gov trying to take amphetamines out of our supplements THIS STOPS NOW tiny.cc/fazrwx

Guys, I'm taking over as director of Twin Peaks. First scene detective reutrns to DC, failing to find crime in the american small town. Boom

When I walk down the shampoo aisle at CVS, screaming and tossing Sunchips, I feel safer knowing that I'm the one with a gun in my pocket

To be clear: I'm not homophobic, I'm worried that one day a smart gay guy will have such a good argument that I'll change my mind and be gay

While you libs freak out about Hill, I don't forget when she plagiarized the good people at Brinks Home Security youtube.com/watch?v=7yr7od…