Conscious uncoupling is what I call peeling apart my thighs in the summer.

i once watched someone take an Uber to try to sell clothes at Buffalo Change and that was the day the middle class officially died.

I love that so many female characters are written 2D because IT MAKES US LOOK SO THIN!!!

Doctor: why are you asking for mood stabilizers? Me: last night i had an amazing set followed by a soul-crushingly bad set. Doctor: but how did you get into my house?

I’ve been trying to reconcile with my dad and it’s ruining my sex life.

I’m the Pussycat Doll that makes sure everyone drinks a big glass of water before they go to bed.

Warning: If you show me magic when I’m drunk I will fight you.

After 7 years in comedy I have finally upgraded from playing “girlfriend in a sketch” to playing “wife in a sketch”!

Happy Holidays to all of my friends from college who are happily married on Instagram and treating their dog like a human child.

comics, your parents' houses look expensive, why are you poor?

Amanda Hurley is back for another interview on this episode. follow her everywhere Amanda Hurley and catch her show We’re Tired, the 3rd thursday of every month at Cobra Club in Brooklyn NY. #roadsoda #podcast #applepodcast itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/roa…

i like ordering delivery food from delis because i can also order toilet paper for the explosive diarrhea i know it gives me.

When your upstairs neighbors are musical theatre girls.

Everyone I use to black out with is now a photographer with two kids.

43% of being a woman is wrapping used tampons in toilet paper so your ability to create life doesn’t gross out a dude who keeps asking to drop a load inside you.

Hunchback of notre DAYUM. I’m sorry.

You didn’t hear this from me. But kindles are just gay books. - my impression of my dad if I knew him

Any time someone tells you they have a very high pain tolerance you should be allowed to punch them in the face

respect to andy samberg for staying grounded and not whitening his teeth at all

Is anyone available to punch up my suicide note?