With each decade of your life that passes, copy and paste Facebook statuses become less and less cute. ~*COPY AND PASTE IF YOU AGREE AMEN*~

Me: I am a responsible adult that has a lot of work to do this weekend. Stranger Things & Super Mario Odyssey: You sure about that, jackass?

Fellas, get you a lady who looks at you the way my cat looks at me while I'm eating leftover spaghetti.

Daylight savings is just a ploy by Big Daylight™ to sell more daylight.

Today's glowing review: "WHAT? BEER AT A SHOWER? WHY? I DONT LIKE BEER" -elderly woman that doesn't understand Facebook algorithms

Today I turn 34. I don't want to be a pessimist, but I'm starting to think that dream of becoming an NFL linebacker is slowly fading out of my grasp.

If there's anything dumber than falling asleep on your own arm, waking up in numb, confused panic, and then flopping your dead noodle arm around in agony while the pins and needles attack, I have yet to do it.

Just met a guy with the last name Balding... and he was. Fate has a cruel sense of humor.

"Dude, a Fiat was just not meant to hold this much La Croix." - officially the whitest thing I've ever heard in my life

It's not a proper Thanksgiving celebration until you're scrubbing red wine out of your leg hair.

I love how grandma stories always take a very dark, unnecessary turn but then end happily. "And my mother's farm, it was beautiful. She had to kill coyotes with a baseball bat, but the food, it was very fresh." #thankyouforsharing

Thinking of using this 6 lbs of leftover dry, inedible turkey as a torture device for my next interrogation.

Just overheard on Walmart intercom: "Frodo, line 1. Frodo, line 1." *awkward pause* "I'm... sorry. PHOTOS, line 1. Photos, line 1." #highlightofmyday

I genuinely can't believe I know someone this dumb, and if you don't get why this is stupid, you might be dumb, too.

"Live, laugh, love. No boy is worth crying over, and the one who is won't make you cry." - Edgar Allan Poe "Don't believe everything you read on the Internet, you stupid bastard." - Abraham Lincoln, 1776

Just saw a guy who was so fat and so tall his work vest looked like an unsnapped bra.

❄️❄️It's our first big snow of the season, so you know what that means! ❄️❄️ ...Time to break out the tiny dog sweaters that make me feel like less of a man when I walk them.

I wonder if the girl on Instagram fighting with numerous people in the comment section of an ad for Morton table salt realizes that her 118 rage-induced comments look a lot like hitting the Internet's rock bottom.

Loud douchebag: "Hey look, I don't want to be that guy, but..." **PROCEEDS TO INSTANTLY BECOME THAT GUY**

Despite my best efforts, my wife would not allow me to give our poodle supervillain eyebrows during his last cut.