I guess you’ll just have to trust me that my costume is guy with IBS.

Every generation gets the president they deserve.

I like when my Apple Watch congratulates me for standing up. That’s right, Apple Watch. I did it.

If Chucky the doll tried to attack me I would simply kick him away

People who consider soccer “the beautiful game” have obviously never watched the Johnsonville Brats Cornhole Tournament on ESPN 12.

has any picture summed up Twitter as well as this one

A future economics student is going to look back at 2018 and ask me why the U.S. government embarked on a massive fiscal stimulus when unemployment was 4.1%. I have no idea what to tell her.

🎶It’s like 10,000 spoons/when all you need is an AR-15🎶 google.com/amp/s/www.bloo…

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Things no one named Trump knows: 1. Tariffs are taxes. 2. USA tariffs are not really paid by China. They are paid by USA consumers of Chinese goods. 3. Tariffs raise prices of foreign goods & also raise prices of goods made in USA. 4. Wall St knows all of this.

Bach in the Subways is happening NOW! What are you doing to celebrate? Post photos and videos with #BachintheSubways2018 and we'll repost!

That's not how economics works. x.com/realDonaldTrum…

Hello men- it’s shorts weather now so remember the old rhyme: At or above the knee, That’s what we like to see, Longer than the knee A juggalo ye be

"Current Position: Hooked up to a breast pump while hate-scrolling through the Instagram feed of a beautiful pregnant woman whose nursery has a hashtag." #MothersDay mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-new…

You’re overrated. x.com/benshapiro/sta…

When the goats ask me what I did at the weekend