Life is high stakes poker, and I keep getting dealt a full hand of uno cards

Having a Midwestern mom is having someone talk about all the subscriptions she cancelled and cat food while you're trying to watch the most climactic part of a horror movie

Necromancers would be the greatest lawyers ever

My life be like: _______________ | | We're v So back it's so over ^ | |______________|

I had a random kid come up to me at work today and tell me I sounded like a youtuber. I'm used to friends and random in games telling me that, but I think this is a sign.

The number of people who have told me I look like Ed sheeran in the past 3 months is insane

Val players always complaining about smurfs, like Riot should hire gargamel, he'll have that shit fixed in a week

Whole foods mochi might be the most uncomfortable food to ever chew

Chronically online mfs will go online, read a reddit story about someone of the other gender being evil, and base their entire perception of that gender on that story. Like go outside, talk to real people. Most men aren't violent r*pists and most women aren't greedy sl*ts

I can't fucking do it anymore, man

Dear Endministrator, Check out the booth guide and merchandise lineup for Arknights: Endfield at this year's #AX2025! Meet us at WH622, West Hall and stay tuned for a variety of exclusive on-site activities and giveaways! #ArknightsEndfield #Endfield

Yeah, the lady that broke into my house freaked my roommate out, and I had to go get x rays and a tetanus shot. But I did get to choke slam a woman, which was pretty cool.

Most people in the gym: "I have to remember all the pain I've endured to get this pr" Me in the gym: "GRAVITY ISNT REAL AND PHYSICS ARE JUST A PSYOP THAT THIS BAR USES TO TRY AND GASLIGHT ME INTO NOT LIFTING IT"

Someone told the IRS to "tax this dick" and now circumcisions exist