It would be cool if they had generic brand cars. I’d totally get me a Lexis

Someone sent me an invite that said “Game night. Not extremely competitive” No, thanks! I’m in this to win and laugh at you for losing

I will pull out my pubic hairs one at a time with tweezers before I join a DM room

Blocked bc if I wanted to hear from an asshole I would just fart

'Kids these days are always on their phones'
Oh that's terrible! In my teens I was skipping classes, drinking, smoking, messing with tattooed boys, telling my parents I was at a friend’s place and was on the other side of the state. Way healthier!

Modern dating: I’m into you, you say you’re into me, but you act like you’re not. Which makes me not want to be into you even if I’m actually into you. But I gotta act like I’m not really into you bc you’re acting like you’re not really into me

Girl: You make a lot of noises
16: Just some Tism rizz
My work here is done!

This 53 year old dude one time hit me up like “You’re kinda cute for a brunette”. Then got offended bc I didn’t reply to him. Quality!

Y’all would try taking half of that bear’s retirement as well.

I have this random crush on Dave Mathews. If he ever says “crash into me” to me, I’m coming in like an 18 wheeler

We need to stop associating tears with real emotions. Some people are criers and use their tears for manipulation, while others actually hurt and “cry” silently behind a laughter. Crying is just an action, not a feeling

Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame and it’s usually me

It’s totally fine to not like people without conflict. Nothing wrong with you, you’re just not my vibe

Real quick call out to my ex bf for texting me out of nowhere and ask if I could drive him to his vasectomy procedure. What a champ!

My dating life is like my online purchases. I like what I see and think I really want it. Then I regret bringing it home and send it back to where it came from

You know what I found out lately? People you block on your phone can still leave you voicemails. It’s pretty horrifying that someone takes the time to leave a message like “Did you really just block me? Is it bc I’m ugly?”

zits after 40 is just god’s way of saying i saw what you did.

Every time I need to take a test I call my ex for help. He has a lot of experience with cheating

I ask for advice to like five different people, then turn around and do what I wanted to anyways