Welcome to America folks!

POLITICS: Labour campaign dispenses branded anti-syphilis pills at left-wing protests.

Packs urge activists to 'dam the oozing pores of socialism' and 'reclaim your life with Streeting's special recipe.'

But Dr. Hilary Jones MBE says 'do NOT take these pills in any circumstances.'

Self-confessed 'Andrew Neil superfan' Maurice Plumb sits in his 'St Tropez-style' living room in Surrey (2024).

Absolutely tragic that Labour are consistently denying Paul Mason a safe seat because he once wrote 'her jaw ached and her pussy tingled, but at least now she knew what was going on.'

I know I plumped for Bastani in this contest, which I stand by. However, these are two top-quality products and I urge every sauceologist to add them to their collections TODAY.

POP: Kenny Brackett of 1970s glam legends Curdle claims Taylor Swift has 'zero hits' and sounds like 'hold music for a rectal health clinic.'
'For a phenomenon as big as she is, where are the famous songs? What’s Taylor Swift’s ‘Tuck Shop Rascal’?

Meet the British men who have refused to have biological children due to the fear of 'adolescent wokeness'.

Apparently, their home-made felt model sons provide 'all the companionship they could ever need, with minimal risk of political arguments.' Fantastic stuff!

NEW on Novara Kidz. Adorable green mascot Basto explains why young radicals should ditch their flirtation with anti-capitalism and build their politics around putting a Union Jack label on American corporations.

CHILLING MOMENT a fugitive cavalry horse entered a central London pub restaurant and stole £78 worth of roast goods from terrified diners.

Absolutely appalled by Lawrence Fox's 'Mr Jizzle Jet', featuring a boiler suited hero who crashes school Citizenship classes and fills the rooms with human excrement.

My Timmy is soiling the carpet and screaming 'NO WOKE' as we speak. How the hell is this acceptable?

EXCLUSIVE: Sir Keir reveals location of shadow cabinet retreat 'deep in the English countryside.'

Look at these scumbags. Absolute monsters.

Sick pay for parasitic capital, not for actually sick workers. OK, very good.

I think it's long past time for the Spectator to rebrand as a top-shelf publication called 'Sexy Escapades' or 'Over Fifty and Feeling Frisky'. Absolutely vile magazine.

HISTORY: 'Fury' erupts in Suffolk village as historian discovers tender inscription on a once-treasured WW1 sculpture.

'Heroism' contains a long-hidden homosexual message celebrating love in the trenches, but will now be removed permanently under cover of darkness.