You can easily make any sentence creepy by winking enough times

Why drink and drive when you can smoke and die from emphysema

You can easily save enough money to buy a beer at the airport simply by flying as cabin baggage

Oh you love me so much? Name 8 of my personalities

It’s nice when other people help out by packing the dishwasher and that way I only need to repack it so it’s done properly

[getting teeth whitened] Me: wow they look so good, I’ll do ANYTHING to keep them this white Dentist: you need to stop drinking red wine Me: well, not anything anything

[watching a nature documentary] David Attenborough: “Virtually nothing can live here” Me, extremely defensive for no reason: “I bet I could.”

7:30pm *falling asleep* This is magical I’m finally going to catch up on sleep 2am *wide awake and ready to take on the day because I’ve had my usual amount of sleep* Fuck!

Someone offered me vegan cake but there’s no fucking way I’m eating cake without meat

What kind of idiot would study for a decade just to be able to perform surgery on plastic?

Covid has been going on for so long that I’m thinking of installing a shower curtain just so I can feel something cling to me again

[marketing meeting] Me: shamcum Board: no Me: shampiss Board: no Me: shamblood *an hour later* Me: shampoo Board: ok yes fine

When will the World Health Organisation allocate the appropriate funding and resources to find a vaccine for left handers?

I wonder when covid will end and we can go back to normal when people social distanced from me because of my personality

GPS: stay on this road for 47 minutes Me: *checks screen every 32 seconds* Also me: *misses exit*

I systematically unsubscribed from all the junk emails I get and now I feel lonely and unloved

Thinking of giving ALL of my money to the person that invented playing the silent game with your kids

I was never a big fan of Steve Carell but he Gru on me

adulthood is awesome cause you can get someone to stop liking you just by telling them you like them.