🚨 #Competition time! 🚨 We've got five pair of tickets to see AFC Wimbledon 🆚 West Ham in the Carabao Cup second round up for grabs. Simply follow football.london and RT this tweet for a chance to win!

Labour values are European values. That's why today I am asking Labour members and supporters to sign a declaration proclaiming support for remaining in the EU and urging the Labour Party to lead the campaign for Remain. #proudlybritishproudlyeuropean labourremain.org

*Fails to meet eye* I'll take 500 terabytes, please.

GF's mum asked me to tidy up a photo of her son's graduation photo. I changed his ears to dicks and no one has noticed.

Priory Jack #alcoFall

My lunch hour: a beautiful park and a good book ruined by some foghorn fuck filling the air with her banal shit

Ha. Yeah, her thunderous warble is making the cheese in my Pret sandwich flap.

With the current devastation in Houston, we are pledging $0.15 for every RT this gets! Please forward this along to help out those in need!

“Not to be here, not to be anywhere,” #nationalpoetryday

'Shed Seven? Black ops, mate'

Inspired segue on #totp1980 just now... Ace of Spades into I Could Be So Good For You. Lemmy and Dennis Waterman: together at last! #downwindofangels

The Christmas episode of Inside No. 9 is back on iPlayer! Essential festive viewing 😈🎄

I’m ashamed to say I had no idea. Excellent if depressing thread. x.com/helenlewis/sta…

I remember, I remember... the early 2000s, listening again and again to the Rough Trade anthology on the commute to a miserable temp job ('day by day the moon gains on me'). A wonderful and frightening new companion. My first Fall. RIP MES

youtu.be/6m2lfk4Bm34

On this train: three parents competing to see whose children watch the least TV. It's like a shit, middle-class version of the four Yorkshireman sketch.