*drops something sharp* Brain: catch it with your foot

Sometimes people cannot support you in public because of how they talk about you in private.

We have a huge shortage of Elvis impersonators and no one is doing anything about it!

Every time my husband says the words "hard drive" his voice miraculously changes to that of the adults in Charlie Brown.

Interviewer: how do you feel about working on weekends? Me: I feel like I already hate it here

Well that Tweet went over like a pilot with a face tattoo.

I prefer cloudy skies, and I said so, but then I had to explain myself to a bunch of sunshine geeks.

I like to put "No DMs" in my bio to pretend that I'm attractive

If you truly love pizza then every size is personal size

You can’t scare me, I’ve seen my sister wield a hairbrush like a ninja star.

Real freedom is being naked outdoors

You have a good sturdy table. Think of all the canned sauerkraut it could hold.

My posts are proof, that I don't need to be on meds to plead insanity.

Don't even talk to me until i've had my conniption fit

Dropping to someone's level when they wrong you is a much greater defeat than the pain they caused.

Memories are the echoes of time, whispering who we were while shaping who we become.

In an alternate universe she plays your favourite song for you on the piano.

Eye contact is trespassing

Get some satisfaction from the new Quip of the Week poll at the Picayune Sentinel. ericzorn.substack.com/i/169090905/qu… Finalists include PUNS mom mom mom mom mom Kellalena John Lyon