Day 81 without sex: Went to the local amusement park and rode bumper cars just to remember how it feels to get hit from the back again...

Day 85 without sex: Texted myself at 2 AM asking if I was up

Day 123 without sex: My smart watch thinks I’ve jogged 3 miles today but I haven’t even left the house..

Day 73 without sex: I went to the gynecologist just to get fingered...

Day 117 without sex: Scared to know what I’d do for a Klondike Bar...

Day 258 without sex: I was making a peanut butter sandwich and almost risked it all

Day 45 without sex: I walked into the frozen section of the grocery store just so my nipples would get hard

Day 146 without sex: This ice cream is looking dumb thicc and I might risk it all

Day 284 without sex: This peanut butter is about to get it

Day 45 without sex: joined a baseball team just so somebody will slap my ass

Day 276 without sex: this tree bout to get this wood

Day 73 without sex:

Day 284 without sex: Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

Day 132 without sex: Added a second phone to my plan. One to sit on. One to call the other.

Day 50 without sex: Just fainted while stirring mac and cheese

Day 342 without sex: I accidentally told the In-N-Out worker I wanted doggy-style fries instead of animal-style fries.

Day 45 without sex: I walked through the frozen section in the grocery store just so my nipples would get hard

Disney+: “Are you still watching?” Us:

what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?

This my friends...is what we refer to as savage Tinder Feed 🔥