Who is magic for exactly? We all know the card we picked 'at random' is coming back. Why do we have to endure thirty minutes of Paul Daniels acting the goat and trying to make us look stupid? Let's just agree now on the Ace of Clubs and put an end to this childish nonsense.

Mariah Carey just makes noises that sound like they should be a song. #TotP

Worse than the Prince original. Takes some doing that. #totp

A sarky #TotP presentef. Whatever next?

Mariah Carey haa her knockers. But I like her. #TotP #BiggestHits

When he says 'Greenland' Trump does mean Iceland doesn't he?

What do you think is the most odd? The fact that dogs will eat shit- not just their own. OR that there are people out there who claim to KNOW why they do it? I must have missed that song and dance routine from Dr Dolittle.

If your disabilty is so bad it prevents you from working you are a benefit fraudster. If, despite having a disability you do work you're only there as a box ticking exercise. Some people are jealous of the strangest things.

I have to admit when Forino scored that the other night I did a little celebration, pointed at the radio shouting 'Take that you pie eating so-and-sos'. Took me back to when Tony Caldwell swept home at the death in the FRT. I'm 54 next week #BWFC Bolton Wanderers Bolton FM Sport

For such a 'man of the people' Alex Ferguson has never said a word about what's going on at Man United. Considering how staunch he is you'd think he'd have an opinion on all the redundancies if nothing else. Beetroot faced snake. #MUFC

Dpn't know about you but I am sick of websites, apps and other manifestations of clanking collections of collagenous cacophony greeting me by name. I'm THIS close to twizzing Alexa in to some trees for saying 'Good morning Anthony..' when all I asked it was what time it was.

We can't beat Rotherham. We NEVER win any games in hand. We NEVER win on April the 8th of April. Prove me wrong BWFC Stats. #BWFC

Out of nowhere a total random in the lift asked me 'How long have you been blind?' I gave him my stock answer 'How long have you been a nosey bastard?'. They always take the huff but it baffles me why fully sighted people are so fascinated with the longevity of my VI. RNIB

I was thinking about that bloke who jumped out of a space capsule and sky dived back to earth. All that money, all that risk and would you recognise him or know his nane? No better off than this guy. youtu.be/CNLLT00AFU4?si…

Supermodel Heidi Klum divorced her pop star husband Seal after he destroyed a priceless pair of Louis XIV chandeliers. 'He just leaped up and nutted them' she told Das Bild.. The Adamski front man admitted to friends he'd mistaken them for footballs held up on string. #totp

My podcast app (Castbox) offers me new ones i 'may like'. I never do. It's always two American women with vocal fry talking over each other and laughing constantly. However #RevisionistHistory by Malcolm Gladwell has popped up. Excellent stuff. Try 'Paw Patrol' for starters.

Once upon a time a beautiful young girl didn't ever meet a much older Prince who gave her a lot of money for no reason. The Prince's family were able to make special wishes. One day out of the blue the young girl committed suicide. And the Prince lived happily ever after.

If anything I'd say ham is thinner than a wafer.

Super model Heidi Klum divorced her pop star husband Seal after his demands for her to throw plastic hoops at him became too much. 'The first time he caught one over his head it was funny but the 12,000th the novelty had worn off' the German beauty told close friends. #TotP

I thinl I've done my last tweet. Thanks to those of you who foilowed, liked and shared. Have fun, contribute and please don't laugh at people who aren't funny. TTFN.