If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

Remember when Twitter was just for making fun of Nickelback?

Fuck chiropractors. I can do your entire job with this desk.

Just met someone who’s never heard of The Breakfast Club. Way to ruin my Monday asshole.

Could you imagine how fucked we’d be if airlines charged for emotional baggage?

Scotty has to know by now. Right?

I’d rather listen to my uncle eulogizing my mother, than Bob Costas call one more Yankee game.

Taco Bell hot sauce packets have more personality than half the people I know.

.McDonald's my son didn't get a toy in his Happy Meal. After watching his parents get divorced, don't you think he's been through enough.

I'm a mutha-f-ing champ at jello wrestling. That weak-ass jello is no match for the strength of my HUMAN BODY!

Why that 5th dentist gotta be such a hater?

"Thunder only happens when it's raining" -Stevie Nicks, shitty meteorologist

An app that alerts you when a co-worker is about to do a Christopher Walken impression

Happy Ash Wednesday

If I tell somebody I'm on the treadmill for 60 minutes, that's also including the 35 minutes it took me to untangle my headphones.

Everyone needs to watch @LeeHirsch's film BULLY. Such a sad and powerful film.

.@coke I tried giving a polar bear a can of Coke. It ate my mom. You owe me a mom.

Last night I took my first shower with my girlfriend. It went pretty well and hopefully with time I get the confidence to take my shirt off.

If you don't buy honey in a container shaped like a bear you're nothing but a piece of shit.

Excited to announce TheSomeGuyShow podcast is coming back in July!!!!