🔥The 9th Round of Easy Loan, Earn $40 Reward is in progress❗️ ⏰ Promotion Period: January 15th - Feburary 15th, 2025 👉 Register now and check more details at gate.io/campaigns/358

Oh hi! I'm Jen. I'm the one in the jumper. I make stuff. You can buy the stuff I make. I'll even post it to you. My stuff makes great gifts. Please take a look at the stuff I make and sell here : thexstitcher.co.uk/?page=2 I love commissions too!

*I have woken up with the Carpenters ‘Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft’ in my head only ‘calling occupants’ has changed to ‘Colin octopus’. Also, big time Mandela Effect as I’ve just discovered it’s simply ‘Carpenters’ there’s no ‘The’ beforehand. *not literally

All The Tongue Dudes #ASongOrMovieForUsingTheTongue

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

Tree towels, surely? *also mumbles something about Christmas Dry and washailing*

If anyone wants me, I’m the sweaty, knackered mess lying on the floor.

I am an annoying itch A little irritating bitch Appearing when your hands are full Or when you’ve just got comfortable In bed, that’s when I will attack And cause a tickle on your back Soon my fun goes down the hatch When you killjoys give me a scratch. ©️Flups

Me aged 18: “Who are you?” Me aged 51: “I am you from 2024” 18: “So, tell me, what is my life like? Is it exciting?” 51: “Not exactly. You spend Sunday afternoons putting your vast amount of medication into daily pill boxes whilst watching videos of blackheads being squeezed”

The Kermitments #SesameStreetInASongOrMovie

Well, that’s my Christmas Day outfit sorted for this year.

“Excuse me, shopkeep, I’d like a litre of your finest shimmies please” “I’m afraid they are only sold in flounces” “What about a box of prances?” “I’m sorry but we only sell them in sashays”

Feral Loin Fruit™️: *in unison* “I have absolutely no clothes and need new underwear” Me: *picks up and folds pair number two hundred from a mountain of freshly washed pants*

Whatever happened to all the sucker MCs who were extremely prevalent in the late eighties? Perhaps they’ve all had to learn a new skill? Mind you, having sucker MC experience would serve someone well if they were in charge of the customer service tannoy in Tesco.

I am, quite frankly, livid that the weekend has been allowed to end without me winning the lottery once again, meaning I have to go to work tomorrow which is absolutely ridiculous. The fact that I didn’t buy a ticket is irrelevant, I am FURIOUS!

A Poem. Muthk, you’ve killed off Twitter You’ve made this hellsite shitter Not sure if you’ve a nonsense plan Or if you are just bitter I hope you’re satisfied That Twitter has now died We’re off to sites where we don’t pay To become verified. ©️Flups

*picks up suitcase filled with ‘hilarious’ ‘jokes’ and takes a last look the fire engulfed cesspit that Xwitter has become. If anyone wants me…

1. I’m not leaving this hellsite, I’ll just be over “where the sky is blue” a lot more 2. The reason for 1. is because Xwitter is vitriolic 3. Someone said I was ‘attention seeking’ by ‘announcing’ I’m leaving. Well, d’uh! I’m on Xwitter! We all seek attention and validation!

Xwitter is like a toxic ex (X) whom you’re unable to move on from. You find a new relationship (Bluesky) but even though you know there’s a huge risk you’ll get upset (stupid block removal) you are drawn back due to sentimentality, hoping they’ve changed (reinstated blocking).

Best Christmas gathering with the best people and a multitude of Santas.

I don’t wish to boast but I have just received my enhanced DBS check which clearly shows that I’m not, nor have I ever been, a wrong ‘un. I do think you should get a badge with your certificate, though. Something similar to the Desperate Dan Pie-Eater’s Club would be great.