That Columbus statue beheading was just... *chef’s kiss*

cops are attack dogs for rich ppl change my mind

you never hear about a professional knife thrower accidentally goring their volunteer in the face but.. it must’ve happened at least once right?

i hope this pan is grateful for me washing its ass every day before i cook. i just can’t deal with any more ungrateful bitches in my life

just watched an entire 7 minute cat rescue video and everything still feels fucked

the golden goose

can someone plz direct me to anti-motivational twitter? i just want somebody to tell me the fear is warranted and i should succumb to it 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

co-worker: i can smell alcohol on your breath through your mask me: well maybe you should back the fuck up Dave, we’re in a pandemic

you ever bite into a juicy piece of mango and think MAN, they should really arrest the Kentucky attorney general’s bitch ass too?

#RGB to #ACB was the worst glow up in history. 0/10. did not enjoy

remember when we used to post on each other’s fb walls? if someone did that to me now i would call the police

hey it’s a hellscape out there but i’m vibin cuz i just sent my first single to Spotify Raising hands pre-saves next week and available to stream next month. lez geddiiiit 🏴‍☠️🌴

the rage i feel upon making a typo while trying to correct a typo

!!!! my first single is available for pre-save on streaming platforms today 🙌🏼 if you feel like helpin ya boy juice the algorithms and get on some dope playlists, spotify pre-save link in bio. you also get to see the artwork when you click the link 🍾

coincidentally running out of kleenex and lotion at the same time is not a crime and i don’t appreciate the judgement from this cashier

just found out my electric toothbrush connects to an app that tells you how you’re brushing and can i live one second in this capitalist society without a f*cking evaluation i’m simply trying to be 🧘‍♂️

participation was invented by Big Trophy to sell more trophies

the sexual tension between me and the poke button

accidentally woke my gf up while trying to help her from falling off the bed and now she’s screaming siren noises because i woke her up so i’m not allowed to sleep 🥰🙌🏼♥️

sneezing with pills in your mouth you haven’t swallowed yet