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What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.

I have written a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries.

What's faster than an escalator? An esca-sooner

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently...

What do you call an airplane full of bald people? Receding Airlines

My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly... ...I'm not a fan

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person! All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

My son asked why I make noises every time I stand up… I told him it's because I'm a groan man.

What do British sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.

I have a fear of speed bumps. I am getting over it slowly.

Wife: Please stop eating so much salt. Me: Why? Wife: Too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. Me: So you're saying, too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon? Wife: [Pours more salt on my food]

I was so confused last night as my printer started playing music. Turns out the paper was just jamming.

Respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you.

I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words as well.

I have so many jokes about unemployed people. But none of them work.