I took a post-brunch-shift 20 minute nap and then woke up thinking I was late for my brunch shift and in a tizzy I put my thumb in the fan

“Intersyllabic gimmickery”—a great expression to use when you want to sound sophisticated in the studio while botching brief parts of phrases in a vocal take.

I had a dream that Matthew McConaughey was in my Spanish 1 class but he didn’t think my jokes were funny. So either Mr. McConaughey’s Español is no bueno or he’s just muy frío. I was excited to call him ‘Matt.’

New single out now for all you streamstresses

#HowItStarted #AlsoHowItIsGoing

Must have gotten too hot

Who is doing this 👇🏼

Started from the bottom now we’re near

Starting to think my music theory II course should have at least had a couple weeks on classic cocktails, restaurant safety lingo, and ejecting unruly patrons.

“My wife finished most of the pizza bagels” isn’t a sentence I wanted to type out in my mid thirties after leaving the ER, but here we are.

Kinda miss this one…

I hope Ted Cruz regrets his parents meeting each other (I do)

If I were Ted Cruz I would be so bummed about it

The worst thing about Ted Cruz is that one of us has to be him, why god why

If I were Ted Cruz I would sue being-a-giant-joy-suck for trademark infringement

If I had to choose between being my own idiot terrier, Watson, or being Watson’s insentient tennis ball, I’d just be so happy I’m not Ted Cruz

Why are all the hottest guys so stupid Ted Cruz

Best case scenario, Ted Cruz wakes up with the taste of sweaty shit in his mouth every day.

Saturday night 8/20 is going to be a good one with DARKARTS album release show and The Patient Zeros opening at Globe Hall. 🔥🔥 Buy your tickets at the link, check out their new video, and we'll see you there! bit.ly/darkartsdenver youtube.com/watch?v=OH-B6g…

elon musk [parody] [humor] [any individuals in this text (referred to henceforth as “the tweet”) are named on a satirical basis] [the tweet is not a statement of fact, with protection as codified in 17 USC §107 & affirmed in Hustler Mag v Falwell (1988)]: boy i love sippin piss