Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Let he who is with only one sin also cast a stone. Because that's still pretty impressive.

If a robot does the cha cha what do you call it? I mean, technically, isn't it still doing the robot.

Twitter is a constant reminder of how many absolutely stupid things I think about. What if I had peanut butter feet?

My boss recognizes that Columbus was a guy who brought syphilis to a place he thought was India and we better get our ass in to work today.

Police don't understand Columbus Day. I didn't "steal" a car, I discovered it and took it 4 myself even though someone was already using it.

I'm a ghostwriter. And by ghostwriter I mean the stories I write prove I'm dead inside.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Because it's about time that goody two-shoes committed the sin of stone throwing.

The real trick to trick birthday candles is that now everyone has to eat a cake with spit all over it.

I want you for your brains. RT @mikadoyle The undead no longer have an excuse to maul the living alone: bit.ly/vHWuqh #undeaddating

Mitch Hedberg Jokes For Everyday Situations (PHOTOS) huff.to/HkgsA0 via HuffPost (i miss Mitch man...)

"Moby, Dick" (A biography of the techno musician's less admirable traits) #lessinterestingbooks

Hi #followingyourfirsttweetwithanunnecessarilylonghashtag

A good time for a spoiler alert is when your about to be hit by a car that's going in reverse.

Someone ate all my Peeps. I don't mean the Easter treat; I mean my friends are missing.

Before I believe it, I'll need to see Osama's long-form death certificate.

A word like "kiss" can sound innocent until you put "French" in front of it. The same is true for "maid wanted."

The motto for abstinence should be "Don't give a fuck."