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I’m metal #metal instagram.com/p/CoVayOSStY6/…

Just posted a photo @ Curious Comedy Theater instagram.com/p/CofsQ6my806/…

What if everyone who has said “I love you” to me was actually talking about the tv show YOU

Me after saying "No worries if not" yet again

Watching sports people celebrate by jumping into each other gives me anxiety #nba

Just posted a photo instagram.com/p/CpLUklLPCz2/…

I’ve come a long way in 24 years… instagram.com/p/CpN48D9JlLv/…

Just posted a photo instagram.com/p/Cpx1JWuP9iQ/…

The fact that the phrase “cost of living” exists and we all understand it is bamboozling

The fact that we’re still just doing “Daylight Savings” and everyone knows what it is and is still doing it is bamboozling

I’m performing on this cruise ship for the next 12 days. On DAY ONE I got sunburnt INSIDE MY BELLY BUTTON! INSIDE IT! Is this what a yeast infection feels like?

While performing on this cruise ship: Kid: “Are you the comedian?” Me: “Of sorts, yes” Kid: “DO HIM!” Me: “What?” Kid: “DO HIM! DO MY DAD!” Me: “Do your Dad?” Kid: “YEAH! DO HIM! KILL HIM IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY! Me: “ok”

When I think about it I’ve been consistently overwhelmed since 2016

The key to happiness is never flying anywhere

🎵So this is Christmas. What have you done? OH GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

Hear me out: the only remakes that should be made are BABY versions. The Muppets knew it with Muppet Babies. I’d definitely watch Game of Baby Thrones, Seinfeld Babies, Breaking Bad Babies, 3 Babies and a Man… the list is endless! Comment yours if you like!

Sarah Cooper returns with "How to Boat." He’s always given her a wealth of material to work with, but Trump’s bit about the shark/electric boat was probably just too hard for her to resist so she took his insanity and turned it into comedy gold...

What a Christmas Eve! Father in law got BITEN BY A DOG in the MSP Airport while getting on Sun Country Airlines plane while bleeding from the leg. Wife asked for help and was given hand sanitizer to treat the wound! Merry Christmas! Holy moly!