fame would change me so fast i would immediately start killing and eating people

waving off Slenderman cause i’m on the phone

i'm shy about eating in public since i have to vomit acid on my food until it's liquid enough that can be sucked up into my probiscis

shining a light into a dark room and there's just like 100 guys in there fighting each other silently....

me: waiter what is the most expensive meal you have? waiter: the lobster sir me: wonderful one for me and one for my date waiter: (reading note i secretly passed him) “i’m sorry sir but all we have tonight are hotdogs”

me: please give my compliments to the chef waiter: of course, sir me: and please give them this too (hands him a small ceramic frog) waiter: lovely frog, sir

(watching everything i desperately held close get ripped from my hands and turned to dust by time) ah jeez

i will not be satisfied until i have a 32 inch touchscreen in my car that has a five step verification process to turn on my windshield wipers

calling the cops and asking if they want to collaborate on a mix tape with me

ran a CARFAX and apparently my RAV4 was cursed by "bog shaman" in 2018

(standing before god) look i know i said if you sent me back i wouldn't get too close to the bison at Yellowstone again but i was really excited and the bison were so majestic and i think i deserve another shot

rolling around with two broken arms cause the EMT told me to stay still, you don’t rule my life buddy we just met

they are whupping my ass in the dark heartland of america

if i saw a couple of guys fighting in an alley and one of them started summoning the power of lightning i'd like to believe i'd have the courage to intervene

every rocket should be equipped with a nuclear payload so the engineers are really careful to make ones that don't crash

drinking the aquarium juice while the staff isn't looking

(raising my lantern in the gas station bathroom) who goes there?

lazy arson investigator: whole goddamn family spontaneously burst into flames again

Count Dracula may be a “monster” but without his patronage this pottery studio would be nothing

(walking into a village that’s under a dark curse) man this place fucking sucks