Told my boss I'll have a big assignment done by EOD, he's going to lose it when I April fool's him. Get ready to laugh

When your favorite takeout spot recognizes you when you walk in >>>>>

I wonder if charlie puth is in this song

Please, Mr. Coffee is my father. You can just call me Joe

Got my wife some cool looking flower and watered the absolute shit out of it before she got home and then she was like "that's the most beautiful orchid, so let's just make sure not to water it too much bc these are finicky". How do you un-water a plant? Hypothetically

Jeff Have you tried putting it in the oven? Hypothetically?

big deal I had breakfast sunday too

Me to my kids after telling my wife that they ate the rest of the cookies, not me

Monopoly money is technically play dough

Thinking about the time at Olive Garden when the cute waitress paused while grating the cheese on the salad and asked if I wanted more and I said, “Sure, I’m not driving,” and she didn’t laugh.

In honor of the Pope dying, the Cardinals should get to pick for the Saints tomorrow

Crazy that people say Jordan is a distraction from football when she's literally the reason Bill is getting another ring

Gruden’s the man!! 🥞💪🏽

The Nationals are calling up their top paw-spect Bruce the Bat Dog from Triple-A, the team announced. He will make his Major League debut on Saturday.

New to this whole “fantasy football trade negotiation” thing. How did I do?

Happy Father's Day Weekend to all the dads out there. Finally, a Thursday night, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night where we can kick back and relax.

Someone brought their fantasy football trophy with them to dinner tonight at the restaurant I'm at, hell yea

Blessed

Through 10 #SFB15

An Astronomer landed on the moon in 1969, and it changed the world forever. Now an Astronomer just landed on a jumbotron for the first time, changing the course of history yet again. The human race is truly remarkable.