Steve Austin Creamery 🤝 Stone Cold

Gonna make my account private. Been getting way too many retweets. Annoying 🙄🙄

I dangle my foot off the edge of the bed on purpose. It's bait. Come get me demons, I'm already in hell.

Woman be like "All the men I've been with are liars." Well maybe Just maybe If you had a fat ass, we wouldn't be able to.

I didn't go to college. I wasn't gonna pay to get lectured. I had lectures at home. So mom, you understand now?

Busting a nut in her is called incum. But pulling out is always the better outcum.

Wonder If I can use the carpool lane if I have my sex robot with me

Fast and the Furious needs to go back to it's routes

This lady dropped her wallet in the parking lot after my show today. I tried to give it back and she doesn't even look at me and says "Ew, get lost." Guess who went on a shopping spree?

UPDATE: Saw fast 9 and ordered that lady a few self help books on Amazon. Then I took the wallet to the police station.

It’s so easy to order $50 worth of Taco Bell when you’re also buying weed.

I had sex on the beach once, so I totally get where Anakin was coming from.

7/8ths of the time i believe in god But sometimes I'm an eighth-eist

Every rich person has a tiny dog that looks exactly like a monopoly player piece

You mean to tell me someone Ironed a Maiden?

My idea of being able to afford a home renovation is playing The Sims.

Do people not realize when they complain about having to pay to see a comedy show it’s kind of insulting to the comics? These jokes aren’t free bitch

Matchbox Twenty + Twenty One Pilots = Sum 41

Fun fact: Male honeybees die shortly after sex. It's 3 stages of life are literally 1. Honey 2. Nut 3. Cheerio

My first viral tweet was a stolen joke. All the comments are so mad.