how about a movie where a genius mathematician solves complicated janitor problems

I'm not hard to please. Just wrap me in blankets and tell me it's okay to nap.

My refusal to read instructions turned this hammock into a really narrow trampoline.

Her: wow I just love your tattoos. Me: thank You H: what does that one on your right arm symbolize? M: well Susan, that one accurately depicts that I cannot be trusted with $800 dollars in cash. H:

This woman has done this hundreds of times. Just muscle memory to her now

My wife was playing music in the other room and when I started singing along she said this isn’t your music.

My favorite pastime is watching a movie based on a book I read and then loudly critiquing said movie until everyone gets mad and leaves

Someone called Twitter “X” today and a little part of me died.

I'm not calling anyone daddy unless I'm asking for money for the mall.

Boss on phone: you're late again Me: sorry but there's a crazy guy here with his dick out Boss: you can't keep using that excuse

I’m glad you explained your batshit crazy reply…now it’s confirmed as batshit crazy.

My toxic trait is saying I’m just gonna sit down and look at my phone for a minute.

holy shit

All I know is that it’s highly unlikely that it is, in fact, an extremely exclusive investment opportunity

Helped a lady find the garlic bread in the freezer case. She was looking by the frozen lasagna, which is a reasonable starting point, but it’s actually in another aisle by the tater tots. This made me realize that I would ace a quiz like this.

Everyone should take a break from politics and go clean your airfryers.

I have instituted my retirement plan by studying how the homeless live.

I’ve given it great thought. I’m gonna give in. The heart wants what the heart wants. A pizza.

One time I was combing my beard and a Steely Dan cassette fell out

It cannot be overstated how fucked up and creepy prescription drug commercials are.