banks email like "Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX" and then the message is like "Hello we are your bank"

#NewProfilePic

(walking up to don quixote) hi i’m a huge fan don quixote: *eyes narrowing* you’re a What?

every tweet i read makes me 1% more mentally ill, and i simply can’t get enough of it

doctor: (holding newborn twins) now, it's too early to tell which one is the wario of the other

One time I asked my coworker what she was reading off her e-reader and she said she didn’t know because she set her ereader to roll into a new book immediately after finishing the previous one and she can no longer tell where one book ends and another begins.

hmm

me: you call that a blowjob? I didn’t even cum the samurai who sucked me off: are you sure? me: wha- [suddenly starts blasting everywhere]

scented garbage bags are against god. trash should have to smell stinky thats the whole point.

i love the beat boys bopperann

RRR (2022) promotional art by legendary animator Yoh Yoshinari 吉成 曜

for sale: baby shoes. didn’t fit me

if you hate when people say "chai tea" you're gonna flip shit when you hear what the little caesars guy says at the end of the commercials

(a bell rings, reminding me of previous times i have eaten) these memories are so good... might as well salivate. it's my choice.