Why do people apologize when their dog tries to run up to you? I am just as excited to see your dog as it is to see me

Instagram: someone you know is engaged, married, pregnant, or had a baby Me: okay I guess this picture of me in a sundress is useless :(

I do!

Whoever in my building is sitting on their car key, please stop. Your alarm has gone off eight times

I really wanna know if people who don’t use top sheets wash their comforters/blankets as often as they should

You should consider taking a social media break if people leaving you on read makes you anxious 😬

My team decided to have a group spotify session to motivate us to get through Friday except we can’t pick a vibe so we’re even less productive than normal

There’s nothing like stepping on a WiiFit and having it say “Oh!”

My dad left me on read today :(

Someone tried to tell me Ke Huy Quan died and I almost had a breakdown

My dad is irate that I haven’t packed for our trip on SATURDAY

Will I ever be free of Snapchat AI?

United: Quick reminders about your flight from Honolulu to Chicago… Me: SHUT UP

Being single on a Saturday is fun because I just spend two hours on the phone talking to my parents. The fun part is telling people I have plans so I don’t have to go out

It’s very considerate of my friends to post the entire Taylor Swift and Big Time Rush concerts on their snaps so I don’t have to pay for tickets. thank you ❤️

To my clients: no I’m not linkedin stalking you, I just need your job title because you can’t be bothered to have it in your email signature

I love coming back to Chicago and everyone’s going 90 on 355. Where are we going? Why are we in such a hurry?

Guys on dating apps will say “not looking anything serious, just my wife” in their bios then tell you they’re still emotionally unavailable from their 8th grade ex

I finally got taken off of a project that was killing my self esteem so as a reward I’m hanging out with my friend’s cat, who is asleep, to enjoy true peace

To the dogs in my building going crazy over nothing, the cats I’m watching think you’re dumb