Me: I should be tweeting. Wife: sure... *gulps down wine* why not? #Quarantine #Covid_19 #Opinion #thursdaymorning #newness #latetothegame #betterlatethannever

I apparently forgot to teach my kid what eels are and now they’re “electro slugs” and honestly I like that much better. #eels #electroslugs #homeschooling #Quarantine #Covid_19

I say “don’t kick mommy in the face” way more times than I ever thought I would have to. #millenialmom

Kid (finds a small cut on my hand) momma? Does this hurt? Me: nope 🙂 Kid: what if I touch it? Me: nope Kid: what if I touch it hard? Me: nope Kid: what if I bring a knife and cut your skin off??? Me: O.o Kids these days? #creepykid #millenialmom #wtf

Kid: Momma! I have a surprise for you! *throws a large container of glitter into the air* Now it looks like bunch fairies had a fucking rave in my house. Thnx, jules... And to the person that gave it to her: I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you.

Me: Jules! What would you like for breakfast today? Kid: gummy worms. Me: nobody eats worms for breakfast. Kid: baby birds do. Me: yeah but those aren't real worms. Jules (stares right into my eyes and says) “yeah, and I'm not a real bird” Check mate. #millenialmom

Me: here, cat. I'm gonna feed you. Cat: let me help you by putting my big fat head in the way so you can't pour anything in my bowl. #catlogic #everysingletime

Kid: mama! What should I draw? Me: an angry polar bear holding a machine gun, flying over a rainbow. Kid: challenge accepted.

Why does counting work so well with kids? You're like: "DON'T MAKE ME COUNT! kid: NO MOMMA, NO!!! you: THAT'S IT! ONE... TWO... kid: jumps through hoops and does backflip. I don't even have a number I'm counting to... #millenialmom #raisingkids #Covid_19

Kids in the back of the car: Kid : He is a YEAR older than us! Other kids: yeah! When we are 40, he'll be 41!! If they only knew that the real difference is between 39 and 40. #40isthenew30 #ayearolder #kidsthesedays #millenialmom

Tengo la horrible sospecha que este bodrio me lo estoy escuchando casi sola y que ustedes esperan mis tuits. Hay miles de RT y likes. Acompáñenme pues. Sigan la transmisión en La República a través de RTV. Vamos con comentarios de rato en rato.

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