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Coastguard: What do we do with a drunken sailor? What do we do with a drunken sailor? What do we do with a drunken sailor? Seriously, I forgot that part of my training.

Fisherman: rope puns are illegal now. Captain: Really? I can’t use any at all? Fisherman: ‘Fraid not. *sirens in the distance*

What happened to bitching behind people’s backs and being nice in person? Can we go back to that? Thanks.

Me: I should really save some money. Tk Maxx: LOL. hold my beer.

London 2024: Brat Summer London 1664: Rat Summer

Who names men’s deodorant?! Is there just some fuckboy in a lab coat shouting random bronouns in the factory? “ICE, OAK, RAGE, ENGINE, BEEF!”

Why are birds the only unit of measurement for being an early riser? Are squirrels lazy? What about giraffes?

What other people think of my driving is none of my business.

Googling what demure means is very demure, very mindful.

Not shaving your legs for 3 weeks is self-hair.

Well well well. If it isn’t the consequences (IBS) of my own actions (eating too much cheese).

Going back to a toxic ex like…

Looking forward to the emotional videos of middle-aged men being surprised with Oasis tickets at Christmas.

You know you’re winning at life when pouring a large bowl of cereal hits your “move goal” on your Apple watch.

She’s dyslexic, she’s got a family full of accent-bricks.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you crack her back? Cheers.

I say I like horror movies - But I did spend a significant period of time being afraid of the blue carpet in my Mums upstairs hallway after watching Jaws….

Create your own cosy chick-lit book: [[Emotion]] at the little [[last thing you bought]] Shop. Mine is Apathy at the little Toilet Cleaner Shop.

I stopped buying avocados and artisnal coffees last year… Now I buy Doritos and cans of Monster. I’m still skint, but at least I don’t have avocado breath anymore.