Other girls at 2am: I am the snack. Me at 2am: I want a snack.

Nothing says "America" like drinking until you puke and then eating a hotdog.

I have decided to skip my MILF years and go straight into cougarhood. Come to Mama, my little angel muffins.

At this point, I’m convinced my mental health is just an intense game of pinball being played by God.

My toxic trait is doing obviously toxic things and then saying “Who me?” when I get called out.

If he says “I don’t want to lead you on,” he’s about to start leading you on. Block him. Disconnect your phone line. Move to another country. Learn a new language. Take on 7 lovers. Become the butterfly you were always meant to be. 🦋

I just realized that “flu” is short for influenza and my reality just shattered because now I’m sitting here wondering how I’ve made it this far in life without common sense.

Nobody tells you that healing yourself means giving up your hoes. I really miss my hoes, man.

Don’t even think about giving me dating advice unless you’ve earned your stripes. Never dated a narcissist? Sit down. You don’t know enough, young grasshopper. But let me talk to the chick whose baby daddy tried to stab her. She might have some words of wisdom.

Restaurants: Do you want to eat this entire block of cream cheese? Me: Ummm, no thanks. I’m good. Restaurants: What if we add a bunch of sugar, throw it on a graham cracker crust, and call it a “cheesecake”? Me: I’ll take two.

Men are out and about, wearing grey sweatpants everywhere they go. Stay safe out there, y’all. It’s ho ho ho season.

Washing down anxiety medication with alcohol is my “Holidays with the Family” aesthetic.

Telling me that no man will ever want me has become the biggest compliment a man can give me.

Me (to my 5 year old cousin): I don’t know how I’m going to handle having children, you are crazy. Him: You don’t even have a boyfriend. Well-played, little one. Well-played.

Happy Mother’s Day to me for all the men that I raised, oops I mean dated.

You get your dopamine from your morning jog. I get it from starting fights with my exes. We are not the same.

I drunk texted a lot of men this weekend and only got blocked by 2 of them, so, I guess you could say the weekend was a success.

Hungover? Nah, I'm just chillin' here on the floor awaiting the sweet release of death. Haha, NBD, I'm fine.

When life hands you a 3-day weekend, you take that extra day to ruin as many lives as you can, including your own.

Christmas shopping for your boyfriend is really difficult when he doesn't exist.