He's just like me for real

That feeling when you don't wanna get out of bed and pee because you're comfy as fuck but you can't sleep because you still gotta pee

Them: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Look, I'm just trying to make it to the fucking weekend.

If your jeans look like leggings or yoga pants, thank you. You are helping treat my seasonal depression.

[eating a delicious burger] Her: You shouldn't eat meat! Me: Don't worry, it's plant based. Her: That's awesome! Which plant? Me: The meat processing plant!

I’m n̶o̶t̶ helping my niece look for her new whistle I threw in the trash last night.

Everything reminds me of her

Sorry, I only chase after one person and that person is the ice cream truck driver.

You would have to tie a rope around my tongue and attach it to a rocket ship to remove my tongue from your butthole.

Sombody help me, I keep ordering food from Ubereats and there's no end in sight.

Me sleeping late last night thinking about the restful sleep I'm gonna have all day since I'm off work tomorrow Me jerking myself awake remembering I promised to cover someone's shift this morning

Some people complain about how their life is fucking over all the time when I'm over here already on like my 9th life.

If you could go back 23 years to the date September 10th, 2001, the day before 9/11, would you warn people and the whole world about Diddy?

Let's blur this thing

I never know what to say when people ask me how's everything.

Ketchup isn't an option, what toppings are you putting on this?

I’ve had sex with 480 people this year but I’m very picky — I make men fill out an application form

Have you ever been turned on sexually by how someone's mind works?