Anyone who says moms let themselves go have no clue what they’re talking about. I haven’t had the chance to pee in 2 weeks.

Writers on strike? Shoooooot those picket signs about to be so good that seth bout to be out of job.

I think I’m young and tech saavy and then I scroll my photo album and see how many accidental screenshots of my homescreen I really have.

“Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.” — Gandalf; one of my fav things to read before bed parade.com/1090013/jessic…

I am Paul Rudd in every friendship. Also, pockets.

My neighborhood is going to shit. Spiders and cobwebs everywhere.

These fall festivals are cute but give me Awktoberfest. Every booth another uncomfy experience. Your ex’s mom is waiting for you by the corndogs.

Someone at work told me they would send me a zip file and I asked if it was because it was cold and so pretty sure I’m getting fired.

Long day of pyramid schemes.

My favorite thing to say when someone offers to help me lift my bag into the overhead compartment is “don’t worry. I’ve been working out for this” and then I proceed to do a 30 minute Zumba routine showing zero arm strength.

American Airlines Flight Attendants trying to have as much pizzazz as Southwest Airlines Flight Attendants during the safety briefing.

I can’t explain it but having to stand at airports is way more stand-y than having to do it anywhere else.

Turns out I’m wink at stranger little kids at the airport old.

Using “Literature” here seems a bit much but okay.

Jason Stewart Love the little dude picking his boogers behind her

I picture teeny tiny surfers just shredding it in here.

We are extremely humble millennial parents reading & teaching things like this to our flock of young humans, and we just wanted to say to the world, you’re welcome.

#Veterans #VeteransDay

😂 isn’t good enough anymore. I need 🤣

I have never, not once, looked at how a kid spelled a word and thought the real way is better.