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First time buying fireworks and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

If irony were a renewable energy source, this headline alone could power the Texas grid for a decade.

Shout out to straight women - every day we wake up, choose love, and pretend not to notice you just used hand soap to wash your face.

Trump didn’t destroy Iran’s nukes, but he did successfully ruin a parking lot and one goat’s day.

Trump called it a “surgical strike.” Unfortunately, the surgeon was Dr. Nick from The Simpsons.

This post alone raised the price of a barrel $20.

“We lost Iran’s uranium” sounds like the start of a group text that ends with: “don’t tell the president.”

The only war Trump’s winning is the one against sentence structure.

36 hours, no photos, no radiation, and the nukes are still there? This wasn’t a strike, it was a flyover.

Wearing a bikini at the grocery store because it’s hot and so am I. Mind your business, Steve.

When a toddler yells “I’m done!” after coloring the walls and blaming the dog.

I just saw a Cybertruck with a "Baby on Board" sticker and thought that was very self-aware.

🤣🤣🤣

I only pretend to have a therapist so I seem cool on Twitter. I’m not even honest with myself, so why pay a stranger to lie to them?

I’ve been working 60 hour weeks so my daughter sent me this of her on holiday to cheer me up.

Dogs do not hate all politicians, just Republicans.

Cashier: "Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?" Me: "Holy shit, yes of course…I had no idea we were that close."