Today, let's take a few minutes to give thanks to my factory workers- the most industrious bunch of 9 year olds to ever have sewn a logo.

Success isn't something you inherit, (unless you issued from a very special scrotum.)

It is about time someone said it: if you want jobs back in the US, employ children and pay them in candy. huff.to/iksq6F

People say US worker productivity is down, but they've never bought a US congressman. He gets me get more tax breaks than a soup kitchen!

A guy told me today to give everything I have to the least among us. Those were his dying words.

As the seasons pass, I reflect on what we could have done better. When I think of the poor, I know I didn't bill them enough.

I don't know why you city-dwellers are complaining about having no streetlights. At least you can't see the potholes!

Some complain the rich are standoffish and prone to hoarding. Not true. I've always been generous in displaying the family jewels.

I don't know why you city-dwellers are complaining about having no streetlights. At least you can't see the potholes!

Distributing wealth is better left to the wealthy.

Some of my very best friends are corporations. Good people.

Goldman Sachs' Lloyd Blankfein and I don't disagree on much, but just I can't get behind eating live kittens. Call me old-fashioned.

My mama didn't raise no ingrate: I always thank my slaves. bit.ly/7qTvpS

My gated community is getting too permissive; can you believe my neighbor actually took down his lawn jockey?!

Even more tax cuts for me, no penalties for overseas factories, billions in free $ for Wall Street? This is almost embarrassing! Almost.

Not caring about the poor doesn't make me a bad guy. It's my occasional thrill murder of vagrants that does that.

Corporate Social Responsibility: That's when your secretary makes out the invitations to your kid's birthday party, right?

Success is not just the sweetest milk suckled from Mammon's teat - it's also knowing you kept the other teat out of the other guy's mouth.

When life hands you lemons, demand lemonade from your private chef.

Some complain the rich are standoffish and prone to hoarding. Not true. I've always been generous in displaying the family jewels.