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Is it bad that Lindsay Lohan has a new Christmas movie coming out & my first thought was “I didn’t know she was doing coke again”

She’s a 10, but leaves her Halloween decor up year-round, so she’s a 20 👻

Sometimes I wish I could sage my pussy from all the fuckboys I’ve slept with 😬

I’ve come to the realization that standup comedy is the abusive boyfriend I can’t break up with 🎤💋 #butdaddyilovehim

Finally at the age where if a guy fucks me over I can just start dating his dad… I’ll see you at Thanksgiving, Tyler 💋

Fact: Bad bitches have dirty rooms & cars

Just got diagnosed with asthma. None of you can “take my breath away”. I did it to myself.

Compatibility test: Go to IKEA together & buy a bed frame. If you wind up fucking & not fighting after putting it together, get married. IKEA USA

I hate when dudes are quiet in bed. We’re fucking, not on an episode of Silent Library 🙄😒

Might get my shit together. Might bring home a boy with face tattoos for Thanksgiving dinner 🤌🏻💋

Stop calling short girls "Fun Size". It's creepy & unoriginal. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

OnlyFans, but it's just me eating food in lingerie. Call it OnlyFoods 🤔

Did y'all ghost your therapist today or are you normal?

Gonna be 27 next Wednesday... This means I'm officially a middle-age stripper 👠✨

Grateful they don't play Christmas music @ the club... Imagine having to twerk to Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You 🎄🎁💋

When your ex shows up @ the club and tries to get a dance 😅

Can't wait for tax returns to hit! Then I'll be able to cross "I can take you out of all this" off my Strip Club Bingo card.

Ever had a guy answer business emails while they're inside of you... Just me?

I was wondering why I never experienced "wedding season". It's because most of my friends are standup comics and who the fuck wants to marry us 😅

We hired a little person at the club and I'm only 8in taller than her 🖤💕