Anybody know where I can find a combination KFC/Taco Bell/army surplus/reptile outpost?

I hate how store clerks say they’re “here to help,” but then ignore me when I ask them to look at the weird growth on my leg.

Does peanut butter make good wall paint?

It’s hard for me to picture Roy settling down and getting married. I can’t remember which one Roy was so I literally can not picture it.

Just can’t seem to shake this feeling that I’m following someone.

If I leave it turned on long enough my toaster doubles as a fog machine. Technology. Far out, man.

Opening this spring: Creed's Breakfast Disco Inferno! Put on your dancing spoons!

When I die, I want to donate my skeleton to the Halloween decorations.

Have you ever noticed how nobody offers you scones without an ulterior motive?

The only thing better than a Black Friday sale is a Purple Thursday dumpster dive.

Pay my rent this month? Yeah, right. Have you even seen the Mayan calendar?

You never see an awards show for “Best Statuette Maker.” The Award Awards deserve their due!

I've smoked my share of mistletoe and it's never made me want to kiss anybody.

I’ve been extra bad this year in hopes I get a lot of coal from Santa. Helps keep the heating bills down.

I resolve to stop biting my nails, but I will continue juggling my hammers.

I've got a serious case of the Mondays.

Hey, hot mama, Creed's a winkin' at ya.

Quick, what's the german word for chimichanga? I'm this close to getting the deal of the century on an '81 Beetle!

Didn't February have 29 days last year? Who's in charge of quabity over at the calendar factory?

You know what they say. March, in like a lion, out like a lamb. More powerful than a locomotive. Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.