tried to lie my way out of explaining why I have exactly four bruises; two on each wrist, to my mother who decided to wear her glasses today, of all days. finally said, "I'm an anemic slut and a grown consenting adult." her response: "tell him to press and not squeeze"

I’ve spent years wondering about this and now I’m kinda sad? Like congrats girl but never stop studying lmaoo

A once-in-a-lifetime shot — the moon perfectly framed by a rainbow. Caught at just the right time. 🌈 🌕

In high school, I was complaining about how long the school day was and my teacher turned to me and said, "the days are long, but the years are short" and I was like "what the fuck are you talking about you lunatic" and then the bell rang and now I'm in my 30s.

I find it so crazy that caffeine usually makes me sick but when on my period it’s the only thing that stops my cramps and doesn’t make me sick wth

what possesses you to lie about having a service animal so you can bring your pet to the grocery store

Always irks my nerves seeing ppl continue having kids when their budgets and housing situations are already in dire straights. Like.. you can’t afford the kids you already have- WHYYYYY do you keep having more?????? You’ve already got 4 kids sharing a bedroom.

if i had balls i’d twist them around a bunch and then let them unravel really fast

Being in a bad mood is soo humiliating like why am I replying in one word answers this is ruining my brand as a delight to be around I feel so naked without my zest for life

You can literally be pressed for hours and your body would hold the urine but the minute you’re approaching a toilet, all hell will break loose. Why is that?

Women are so brutal when they’ve moved on, so brutal they act like they never knew you existed.

In Bakersfield I get incredibly ill anytime I try to drink but anywhere else I’m perfectly fine. This place is poison for my soulllll

Unfortunately, diet, exercise, and waking up at the crack of dawn DOES dramatically improve the quality of your life.

Ages 25-30 are crucial. You’re accepting that your friend group is getting smaller, your parents are getting older, you’re cleaning up the financial mess from your early 20s, managing your career and health. And somehow, you still need to find time to heal your mind.

No beef just distance

That guy will come across this video one day💀

I am unfortunately a very understanding and forgiving person but it gets to a point….. truly

I don’t have to fix what I didn’t break