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can someone please bring back the waterbed but in couch form

why does alec baldwin look like a big, sexy dinosaur

DON'T EVER GO TO RAINFOREST CAFE ON SHROOMS

i usually let my hand hover expectantly over the microwave during those last 5 seconds

trying to convince dave berman that these weed brownies are kosher for passover

do people feel nostalgic as they're dying

never say "nature's candy" around me

sorry i'm not at coachella this year, my crowdsurfing floaty broke

something i said today that took me 20 minutes to figure out why it sounded wrong: "i woke and i boke"

so many good things come in pairs...beavis & butthead, bed & breakfast, bong & bong

midlife crisis: reunite pavement or become the gary kasparov of magic the gathering?

totally drinking beer through a twizzler straw

wow stop being a bigot and let the bunny have his trix

siri, where is thomas pynchon?

kept wondering why giant barbie jeeps don't exist...then i remembered that they do, they're called cars

the most painful thing I've had to do is not buy perfectly good snacks because they were minions-themed

cats are essentially really tiny lions

we did a really good job naming the planets

.Bernie Sanders Sanders/Malkmus 2016?

i forgot....computers used to be beige