so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

High School Theater Kid Obama trying out for this year’s production of Shakespeare: Uhhhh let me be Lear

Have you considered that your friends are just boring

can’t stop ululating and the neighbors are over it

movies should have a 4d experience where fake cum blasts out from the ceiling onto the audience during sex scenes

Rooting for the team that doesn’t have a racist mascot is easy!

cultural appropriation joke in a super bowl commercial yikes

Honestly I think it’s a great change for the NFL to make the field completely slick. Football needed more slapstick in it

Guy at your Super Bowl party who is SUPER excited to scan the QR code and watch the rest of the Planters Mr Peanut roast and then leave the party to return home to a completely empty apartment.

Extremely dumb that what could be the most exciting part of a football game just gets boiled down to them standing around for 2 minutes to burn the clock

This is how I look when I read your tweets

i'm defiant as hell for an insignificant worm. if an overseer caught wind of my shit i'd be smushed by the boot heel baby

Someone watching characters in a tv show or movie kiss/be affectionate

The sexual tension between me and the six pack in my passenger seat.

Fuck it, we bawl 😭

Tweeting this after brute-forcing the website to channel your posts to the top of everyone’s feed is such baby shit. Unbelievable

"More fooball! Oh sh*t! F*cking bullsh*t... unf*ckingbelievable... Baseball, that's what I want to watch." - Juan Uribe