Super excited to get my real ID from the DMV. This fake ID they gave me last year just doesn’t cut it.

Welcome to Twitter. This is where people with low self-esteem meet people with too much self-esteem.

To all you comedians wearing fanny packs on stage you best wear that shit for the rest of your lives otherwise you just outed yourself as a trendy fuck.

I feel like the most rejected someone can feel is going to a swingers party and still not finding anyone to be with.

If someone is holding a mic up to your face you either just won an awesome prize or just witnessed something traumatic.

Thinking about throwing a super scary Halloween party next week. Will decorate the apartment with American flags, pictures of politicians, and we’ll have CNN constantly playing on the tv. Going for the “we’re all gonna fucking die” theme. What do you think?

If you’re an adult, the easiest way to destroy your relationship with your mom’s bf is by calling him daddy in front of everyone.

No Nut November is how World Wars are started

Y’all really think we can keep tweeting till we die or we stopping around 70 years old?

Guys I think I’m starting to realize that most people suck

Wherever you stand on this Kyle Rittenhouse shit can we at least all agree he has the best name for a professional skateboarder?

R.I.P. 2021 (2021 - 2021)

The CDC just announced that you should use a new fucking joke format.

As an optimist I don’t consider myself depressed I consider myself -100% happy.

Government: We need to go green! We should all buy electric cars! Also the Government: COVID IS OVER. WE WON! NOW WE NEED ALL OF YOU BACK IN THE OFFICE DRIVING HOURS IN TRAFFIC EVERY SINGLE DAY WITH GAS POWERED VEHICLES TO DO WHAT YOU COULD DO FROM HOME.

After a thorough investigation I’ve come to the conclusion that 50,000 views on TikTok = 1 like on twitter.

Art snobs are just people who haven’t had to pay for their own rent yet.

I don’t understand how people say the economy is doing bad when I literally just got a pound of ground beef with just $2,500 down and a fixed rate of 5.86% APR.