It's that glorious time of ear when lawns receive their first cut, daffodils are out and young shavers find scud mags stuffed in hedges.

😂 Medal territory that tweet.

That bastard cat of mine has left a small brown "Easter Egg" in some soil I'd prepared to receive a new plant this morning. He's now back in saying "So? What are you going to do about it?"

Everyone must keep foremost in mind; the group of people Joanna calls "good" today included, yesterday, all those she now considers "bad". Reality is that Murrell = Sturgeon = Salmond = Yousaf = McKay = Cherry = Forbes = McGarrie = Harvie = Wings. Don't be fooled again folks.

A bit rapey? A compulsive liar? Find it impossible not to steal from people around you? Have unhealthy predilections involving schoolboys? Hate women? Hate the English? If any of these things interest you, join the independence movement today and be with likeminded folks.

You there! Boy! What scandal is this?

From the look on his face he can feel your cock though.

The people who have been telling you to trust them totally with your financial health in a new country they would run, cannot get anyone to audit their accounts. There are more than 40,000 accountancy firms in the UK. Slow. Hand. Clap.

I often wonder why it is that financially astute accountancy practices with firm handles on income, expenditure and prudence, have no interest in acting as auditors to the SNP?

With all the experience they've gleaned over the past decade, I understand Nicola Sturgeon and Peter Murrell are entering the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the.... #Noyoufuckoff

Excellent, more of YOUR money to be spunked up a courtroom wall on an unnecessary matter hardly any of you are interested in. Don't look at me, I never voted for the SNP!

Candidates must supply their own bike and laptop.

Paul, if you believe this, can I interest you in the purchase of a bridge? Perhaps the Police would chip in as well?

Board meeting of #UnreconstructedMensClub tonight. Gavin Hamilton, Keith and myself meeting shortly to agree on the appointment of our auditors.

This is starting to look a bit better. Greatest sadness would be the effete arsehole that is John Nicholson holding Ochil and South Perthshire. He's done SFA for constituents and just grifting a comfortable lifestyle. Tactical voting could end him; we could do this.

I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but he did NOT give women penises. This is a bloke who groped two women and exposed HIS penis on a work video call. That is all.

Meanwhile, Frankie Boyle used Katie Price's son's disabilities as the butt of his jokes on stage. But he grew a beard and did progressive so it's all cool where he's concerned. bbc.co.uk/news/uk-englan…

"Stay out of the black and into the red..... Mike Russell, look what you would've won. But you don't go home empty handed, you get the mobile independence unit!" Super, smashing, great.

Is this a snotter I see before me?

Snotter the first time we've sent reps across for Tartan Week I suppose. Take it easy out there and watch out for bogeys.