I’m embarrassed at how much of a fan of crushed ice I’m slowly becoming.

If your husband unloads the dishwasher but didn't tell you about it, did it really happen?

Ugh gotta start my rap career over

You can't have nice things because you dine in your living room. Hope this helps.

I don't drink anymore. I think that's the problem.

This is not me. Please report and block. (Shout out to Bluesky Bound Meany (same handle) 🇺🇲 for bringing this to my attention.)

Here’s the actual link to the profile. Thanks, guys! x.com/mcmonst6092416…

David Blaine is ruining the atmosphere.

Thank you to everyone who reported the fake account. Twitter finally took it down.

DAD: You like Corvettes, right? SON: Ya! DAD: Go look in the driveway. SON: OMG [driveway is empty] DAD: Nobody cares what you like.