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If you think fireworks are loud, try opening one of these late at night

Me: do you have to poop? Toddler: no Me: are you sure? Toddler:

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you are a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are. Find the time to microwave them.

A loan at a bank can take 30 years to pay off. If you rob a bank, you're out in 10 years. Follow me for more for more financial advice

We can FINALLY post voice notes!! ▶︎ ●────────── 0:29

Remember, when you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it is illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

It's not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and I reported them for harmful content.

People who drive faster than me? Reckless lunatics. People who drive slower than me? Annoying cowards. And me? Perfect, as per usual

I think it's funny that they're now putting jokes on the back of bacon packages. Listen to this one: Serving Size: 2 slices

I told my wife I'd like to be cremated. She made an appointment for next Tuesday.

Drinking a large amout of water every day helps you avoid other people's drama because you're too busy peeing. Stay hydrated.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women.

I NOW HAVE AN EPIPEN. MY FRIEND GAVE IT TO ME AS HE WAS DYING. IT SEEMED VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM THAT I HAVE IT.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

What legos do when we’re not looking

If you are interested in buying my account, DM me.

Elon Musk has replied to me multiple times, if that sweetens the deal:) (I’m still accepting offers)