Best part of getting to bed early is that people are still up to receive your late night crap texts.

I don’t ghost. I haunt.

If an American-born Chinese is an ABC, are American-born Vietnamese ABV?

people can send rockets to Neptune and I can't even apply deodorant to myself without streaking my shirt

the only way to be on time is to cancel everything you want to do

There’s no such thing as work-life balance.

phrase that puts you on the instant-kill list: “I love that for you.”

What are standards, if not rhetoric?

This is a second friendly PSA to inform you that eating groceries directly outside the grocery store you just came from is not against the law.

Remember: chips are a utensil and food.

Eating a pint of ice cream is not depression. Wiping your face with a receipt, is.

“No hate but,…” is starting to be one of my most-hated ways to be engaged in conversation.

I am such a sick individual, I logged into my work email on Christmas. 🎅🏿

I just tried to talk to Alexa in public,

I sort of have a different opinion… in fact, the best time to speak ill of someone is after they’re dead.

Plotting my revenge *is* part of my process.

My ex and I love role-playing as people who like each other.

Please stop with the liberal use of the descriptor, “mid-century modern.”

The sure-fire way to know if you’re depressed is if you dream about going to the container store

My interior decorator's name is Gravity.