The nicer the pen the worse my penmanship.

Gary misunderstood us requesting to bring a team up north. * Of the border you fucking meathead. #NHLinUtah

Wal Mart should have an instore 12 step program. You come out of that place different. I still have a rash from the 03' store opening.

I want to go to flight attendant school just to take the course i need to take a piss during mild turbulence.

my bad

I'm not alone. I have ants.

I'm grateful for my life, somewhere out there in the world a child doesn't have access to cheese. #thoughtsandprayers

I've had something in my eye for over 2 hours now and it's driving me mad. How important is a left eye? I'm hoping it's the pinky of the hand. #Sniffin

Is everyone this high?

It's not me. It's me because of you.

will i understand wwiii if i didn’t see the first two.

I really hope someone tells my annoying neighbor who they're fucking with before I do. ....

God, grant me the serenity.....

I fear the day I start practicing what I preach.

Just woke up from my 3rd nap while watching the Masters. I've peaked.

Don't worry about what I'm doing now, it qualifies as harm reduction.

My favorite Joke.

Wife walks up to her Husband and asks 'Do I look Fat in this dress??'

Husband: 'Before I say anything,,, you gotta promise, no matter WHAT I say.... You won't get mad..'

Wife: 'Ok.. I promise.'

Husband: 'I fucked your sister.'