Banger

Took melatonin last night went fishing with Richard Nixon in my dreams

I only smoke when I drink like I only zyn when I shit

No where else in the world can you watch the richest man in the world and president crash out like this

I could never do stand up comedy. My legs would get too tired and I’d have to sit down.

Currently #planking in the office 😂 how fun!

Why did we ever outlaw fist fighting. Going at it in an old fashion game of fist-a-cuffs would solve a lot of problems in the world.

Good job everyone! Let’s aim for $1.5 trillion next quarter.

Just checked in to get new tires at Costco and drove off with my spare key #PRANKED 😂😂

This tweet is for ignoramus

What’s up with the inflated prices of hot dogs. They should not cost more than $5 MAXIMUM.

It was so much easier to get Burger King and hound it in my car like an animal back when the sun set at like 4pm. Now I make eye contact with strangers who look at me like some kind of gargoyle

What if, instead of calling it Severance, they called it Guy At Work.

Shoutout whoever came up with different colored pens. I live for this shit thank you. You are the light of my life.

Yooo 9:45 am Diet Coke?? Talk to me right and I might do something wrong tonight…

Mom gave me these tonight… not even 21 yet… had the whole thing in 5 minutes… I’m so fucked up 😂😂

Why does it just say “results not in chronological order before 2020”??

All this shit started with the last adobe update. None of this would be happening if we were just grateful for what we had.

[me about to fight Tom Cruise]: after this, people are going to call you Tom Bruise!

Had four martinis at lunch yesterday and proceeded to shoot a 135 on the golf course